Beckie

over the weekend we went out me, sara, tony, sara's mom and cousin. we were having a good time and things were good,  tony had to leave to take his friend jay home, had the feeling he wasnt going to come back but it was cool we had more fun without him....hot guys on leave from Iraq were there so holler. Then i guess tony ended up going out with jay saw david and was talkin to him. before tony left he went up to david and said hey do me a favor, promise me that you will take care of your little girl, i have kids and i know how important their daddy is to them so just promise you will be there and take care of her. well i guess david told sara and sara was all mad cause it wasnt tony's busy. WELL...yeah i know it wasnt tony's business BUT she does bitch about david and it does hurt us to see when he does wrong by sara and lila. i know it wasnt tony's business and he doesn know when to stop and shut his mouth but still...i mean she didnt seem like she was super pissed but i know that now its gonna be like i have to divide my time up and when im around sara i cant talk to tony, and if im around tony sara wont want to talk to me. is is stupid of her to get mad or am i just not seeing it?

Grant my last request and just let me hold you, don't shrug your shoulders lay down beside me, sure i can accept that we are going nowhere but one last time lets go there, lay down beside me.

why do i always get involved with the ones who don't know the meaning of truth, honesty, loyalty, love, consideration, hope, faith, or any other thing that might make a person happy? i understand that people have been burned but why the fuck would you burn me...i didn't do anything to you but be there and have faith in you. How can you say you were so hurt by someone and then turn around and do the same thing, if not worse to someone who truly loves and believes in you in a way that you will probably never understand? Does love really exist? Someone once told me you can get the same feeling of euphoria that love gives you by eating to much chocolate...what does that mean to someone who is a hopeless romantic, what does that say for those of us who still believe that is some truth to all the beautiful love songs, to those of us who want love like in The Notebook? Are we just suppose to take the fact that maybe none of it is real and that it is all just a facade? how can one feel what they feel and give all the have and not believe in something so great and so amazing just to find out it was nothing more then a figment of the imagination. well all i have to say is i must have one unbelievable imagination.....all i know is that if its not real maybe just maybe its ok, then again, no its not, love and faith like i have should be reciprocated because it is so real and so true that i wonder if anyone really understands how it should be.

have you ever loved someone so much it actually made you hurt, but at the same time the thought of not seeing or talking to that person makes you sick. but then again the things they do literally make your heart ache?

so i have no idea what i want to do with my life, and i have no idea what i want to do with my major and on top of this i dont know what to do with certain situations with certain people! well i knew that this might happen, is it so wrong to want to a love like the notebook and faith like in a walk to remember, or passion like in the Holiday?? AHHHHH i hate this i cant think and i cant breath when i think! you know psychologist say repressed memories may not exist............WELL THEY ARE TRULY WRONG!! cause they kinda do. i just need to go back to school i need to be completely involved with studying and my loyo friends who keep me sane. its hard being here even with my very best friend cause as weird as it is, she herself is a memory of what was and it kinda hurts to think of it like that but its a realization that i need to face. i just really dont know anymore. i need to know more then i do, and i need to trust myself more then i do--except that is how i got hurt before, but then again what is life without chances, changes, following your heart and trusting myself? Can it really just be nothing or does everything really happen for a reason, because i dont know why this particular situation is happening...

so i was listening to this song called Samson by Regina Specktor and its one of my new favorite songs. i also really like the new Evanescence song, Good Enough. Being home and the things that have been going on lately kinda make me miss the old days. I mean not so much the people but more the things we use to do. dont get me wrong i love my life right now and everything and one in it, but i kinda wish i was back in 2003 when i didnt know any better.when i was kind of still naive and still had some emotions left. I just feel like i am losing my emotions and im losing those feelings i used to know so well. as the semester goes on and i learn more about life and people i feel like i am losing my hope that people are really good at heart. It just feels i thought i knew who i was and now i feel like im getting lost. I still know what i want from life and where i want to be but i just feel like im losing myself. i dont know anymore.

Ok so first...the bears lost...not a good start to the week at all. Then last night i had a very strange dream, it was about someone who i really dont like that much but it was weird because i was happy in my dream. I mean really happy, like that happy that can make you sick and blind but love it at the same time...i dont know what that means so i guess 0-well?? ok and then i was at the library for like 7 HOURS today and im completely exhaustive of the freakin library. but on the plus side we had one hell of a dance party, for Alex's birthday, it was alex, me, matt, andrew, whitney, sarah and amanda...and im not gonna lie it was fun!
Ok....question...
is it wrong for me to like to have my friends and then my roommates, i just feel like this happens every time i have new friends, they automatically want to become friends with my friends and then make it seem like its just them. now im all for hang out in groups but dont go telling other people how you love your new friends, and you think they have more in common with you then with me, i mean come on, if that was the case then you would have been friends with them first. is it really necessary to say that you and my friends get along better then we do....FUCK THAT SHIT, i dont like trying to be played for a fool, and BTW....these friends of mine can not be played against each other, so please dont try k? thanks. i mean did you really think that i wasnt going to find out? am i going to say anything...no you can think what you want, i know my friends and they are the best friends i could ask for, but do me a favor...dont expect to be included anymore.....and if you dont want me with your friends, which i heard you say a few days ago, then dont be expected to be with mine, okie dokie? now that thats done....i've decided to not say anything because in all honesty it really doesnt bother me i dont have to worry about my friends choosing you over me, the friends i have all share something with me and me with them....its called loyalty and trust. Am i going to treat you different...nope, why? i actually feel sorry for you that you are not blessed enough to have found friends like i have, and you feel some type of need to just up and try to get in on them, i'm all for hanging groups like i said, but theres a point, like when you are talking about me with my roommates, when enough is enough, i mean you hung out with us like twice, and not to be a negative nancy, but if it wasnt for me you would have never hung out with them in the first place. ok thanks!

Do you always trust your first initial feeling
Special knowledge holds truth bears believing
I turned around
And the water was closing all around
Like a glove
Like the love that had finally, finally found me
Then I knew
In the crystalline knowledge of you
Drove me thru the mountains
Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea


How the faces of love have changed turning
the pages
And I have changed oh, but you...you remain
ageless
I turned around
And the water was closing all around
Like a glove
Like the love that had finally, finally found me
Then I knew
In the crystalline knowledge of you
Drove me thru the mountains
Thru the crystal-like clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea

why do people say they love you when they really don't? I mean sure they care about you, and in my case im not even sure about that, but anyways, they care but they say they love and then they say they love but dont care, this has nothing at all to do with the good conversation i had with sara last night.....or maybe it does....yes, it has everything to do with it but o-well. its funny i was thinking to myself that i didnt care about what happen last night with a certain ex and i even told my louise i didnt care, but then i thought to myself....you lie cause if you didnt care then it wouldnt have been important enough to think about all night, and even though i was upset if only for a minute, the point is i was still upset for one minute to long. It is shity what happens to you once you have had your heartbroken. Then my sister said something that really caught my attention....she said "its funny, you get your heart broken and so you close yourself off from getting hurt and taking a chance on love because you are afraid, but then you turn around and 3 years have pasted and you are alone because you are afraid, and you are afraid because you are alone." And you know what, it makes sense, its true, you go through all this pain and all the heartache, and then you turn around and boom...its three years and you are alone but still wanting that perfect relationship. Me and my sister were watching A Walk To Remember and it hit me that i really want that kind of love, i thought i had it once but i realized that it was only me who loved, it was definitely not reciprocated. i dont know what is going to happen, all i know is that i want a relationship, i realize that life is about taking chances and that love is actually one of the best things in this life, yes it hurts like a bitch when it isnt real, but i think that it is so amazing when it is, at least i think so. All i know is that it is a new year, and i think that its time for some serious changes, i need to keep up with my classes, i need to stick to my workout routine, and i need to start to meditate again, i really think that this year is going to be a good year, and i really hope it is.

so i got this book and it is pretty cool, its like a serious of questions and lists that really make you think about your life and the people in your life. alex got one for her Christmas and she was telling about it so i decided to get one. So new years was nice, i spent it with Sara, Lila, Yvette, Steve and Vicki. So my mom yells at me for not sleeping at night but its really not my fault, im just not tired and i cant sleep when i have thoughts in my head. and on that note, heres mom, ya know i hate when she says well if you stayed off your computer you would sleep, but actually i need to be able to write my thoughts out so that i can sleep. its just that i have so many thoughts that trigger other thoughts that its like one continuous thought. and on that note i cant think of this song that i want, like i know that chords but i cant think of who does it, and its an old song like from the 60s or 70's. o well.

i officially miss my Louise, i went to a family party today and it was ok, i mean people i didn't know, and loud BAD music is hardly my idea of a party but whatever. So here is the thing...why are people sooo inconsiderate of other peoples feelings.so i tell my friend if he could please go with me to this family thing today, only because my sister was bringing a friend too and seeing has i havent seen my friend in oh about 4 years i thought it would be fun. So he tells me that he isnt sure if he can go, it being the holidays and all but that he will get back to me. So here it is, im home from the party and it has been a week since i told him about the party and he was a no show no call. IGNORANT....i vote yes! When do people stop thinking about themselves and start thinking about others? I am not mad at all at the fact that he didnt want to go, what makes me mad is at least call, thats all i asked of him, it cost money to get a ticket for him so its just rude. I really miss alex, (louise) she is really the only one who understands, we both give everything to others and end up getting hurt in the end.
lets see what else has happen.....oh i got a flat tire, and so i couldnt drive my car, i totally fell off my diet and exercise routine, and i think that i might be getting sick...i just really wanna go somewhere where i dont have to talk to anyone, where i can just sit by the ocean to write , and think and listen to music..........ugh!!!

A few questions to consider...
1. why is it that the good guy always gets hurt and the bad guy gets rewarded?

2. what do you do when you can't make the thoughts stop?

3. why does it seem like whenever you are feeling some type of emotion it gets played on the radio..the works really well for sadness!

4. how can someone look at you and see nothing but look at nothing and see everything?

5. does anyone really understand the concept of love? (except for the last of the "dying breed")

Completely Random Thoughts:
-I think guys should walk around with a sign that says, "hi my name is (insert name) and i am stupid because while i appreciate your friendship we can not be in a relationship because i like girls who are sluts, take me for granted, cheat on me, dont love me and who i know will hurt me in the end, therefore i need your friendship to help me through all of it"

-One of the best things i think there is about music is that feeling you get when you just sit there and are completely engulfed in the music; the beat, the rhythm, the words, and the instruments themselves.

B e s t
1. Male friend: Jim


2. Female friend: Alex, Sara, Jen


l a s t
1. friend you saw: Sara
2. Talked to on the phone: Alex
3. Text: Alex
4. Messaged over myspace: probably Alex


t o d a y
1. What do you have on?: t-shirt, sweats
2. Better than yesterday?: same haha!

t o m o r r o w
1. Is: Friday
2. Got any plans: missing my Louise!
3. Dislikes about tomorrow: i cant call Louise

f a v o r i t e
1. Number: 23
2. Color: purple
3. Season: spring, fall, winter, summer (in that order lol)


c u r r e n t l y
1. Missing someone: yes-and im surprised at myself
2. Mood: blah
3. Wanting:go back to chicago
4. In a relationship: nope :(


Q: First thing you did this morning
A: washed my face


Q: Last thing you ate
A: went out to dinner with my best friend, her mom and her moms best friend--it was her b-day


Q: Do you have anything bothering you?:
A: oh dear, if i were to answer this question, it would end up being an entire page long (alex we are sooo here!)


Q: What's annoying you right now?:
A: see above please...

Q: What's the last movie you saw?:
A: Happy Feet and it was funny as hell!

Q: Do you believe in long distance relationships?:
A: somewhat

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now:
A: there is always a person on my mind

Q: Where is the last place you went?
A. Out to dinner

Q: Do you look like your mom or dad?:
A. my dad

Q: Do you have any siblings?:
A: Two - a brother and a sister

Q: Do you smile often?:
A: only when i'm around the right people

Q: Do you think that a person is thinking of you too?
A: i hope so, really i sooo hope so...

Q: Do you wish upon stars?
A: yep, but like Alex, i've never had one actually come true. not yet, anyways.

Q: Are you a friendly person?:
A: depends

Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night?:
A: mine

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?:
A: yellow

Q: What were you doing at 9 last night?:
A: talking to Alex

Q: What's a letter in the last name of your crush?
A: E

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad?:
A: like 15 minutes ago

Q: Do you have more guy friends or girls friends?
A: actually its kinda even right now.

Q: When was the last time you cried?
A: last night

Q: Do you get angry easily?
A: depends

Q: What was your last thought before you went to sleep last night?
A: why?

Q: Take any vitamins?
A: no but i should

Q: What are you about to do?
A: not sure yet

Q: How many letters are in the 1st name of the person you like?
A: 4

Q: Do you ever check your phone waiting for someone to call?
A: all the fucking time...and they arent calling :(

Q: Rate life as of right now 1-10.
A: surprisingly its like a 7-8

Q: Would you say that most people who first meet you like you?
A: actually, no. usually when people first meet me, i tend to give off a bitchy vibe, mostly because i'm quiet and don't like talking. so yeah.

Current Music: Chevelle-The Red